2008 Woodie Awards
New York Rangers Continue Undefeated; Norris Screws Them Over
Shasta McNasty and Tito Jackson
Issue date: 3/30/05 Section: The Triangle
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What's been leaving fans of the Big Apple superstars so perplexed is that the team has continued their undefeated streak without scoring a single goal. "Black magic, I say," wittingly said Dusty, a man of the streets napping in front of the home court Madison Square Garden. Joe the hotdog stand man said, "You know, business has been bad lately, but this is the first season since the Cup year that I can be somewhat proud of my team. Hell, at least they aren't losing; I got that goin' for me...which is nice."
While the Rangers are on their way to finishing up a season with a goose-egg in the loss column, they are also rounding up a season with no injuries, no penalty minutes, and not one lost fight on the ice. Many are calling this the truly perfect season.
If this news wasn't enough, it seems that the other 29 teams have also come in to April with a flawless record, giving the Rangers no shot of making the playoffs. Boston Bruin fans were pleased to hear that the winner of the Eastern Conference will be determined by the results of the other major sports. Since the Red Sox defeated the Yankees and won the World Series, and the Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in February for the Lombardi Trophy while the Jets watched on television, the Bruins defeated both the Rangers and Flyers for the conference crown. The Flyers are the number two seed atop the Atlantic division.
Since there are spots still left to be determined for the playoffs, NHL Executive VP and CLO Bill Daly said that he has a special way to pick the other playoff teams. He said, "Due to the popular reaction from the media and fans for his appearance in Dodgeball, I feel that the only person worthy of picking other playoff teams is none other than Chuck Norris."
Aside from Boston winning the Northeast and Philly winning the Atlantic, Atlanta is the Southeast division champ, St. Louis is the Central division champ, and Minnesota is the Northwest champ, based upon 2004 MLB standings. The Pacific division champ is still up in the air, coming down to Los Angeles and Anaheim.