2008 Woodie Awards
News From Around the States
Rhett Butler
Issue date: 3/30/05 Section: The Triangle
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In the wake of recent decisions barring the re-insertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tubes, major media outlets are hard-pressed to find sensational stories to pass off as actual news, according to major reports.
"If we can't find one single story to control the minds of Americans, they're going to start to realize that their country is fighting a losing battle against terror, their economy is crumbing, and their president is an idiot," Said a staffer at CNN. "Certainly, the turn of events in Terri Schiavo's final days are doing absolutely no good at keeping Americans interested in one single story for weeks on end, and completely ignorant about the world around them."
Many other stations are feeling the sting as the decision on the woman's life stands. Various unintelligent yet-media friendly analysts set to appear on cable news programs are now looking for other forms of employment.
'With the economy as weak as it is," said one unemployed pundit, "there's no way an idiot like me can find a job aside from salting fries at Burger King. It's almost as if I should have shut up and let Americans hear about real news instead of my unintelligent ramblings."
JENNIFER ANISTON FILES FOR DIVORCE, NATION NO LONGER CARES
In a move that made many mindless American gossip-mongers cry out "that's so yesterday" this week, Actress Jennifer Aniston formally filed divorce papers against her husband, Brad Pitt.
"If this happened like, post-Tsunami and pre-Schiavo, I would have totally held a candlelit vigil in front of my "Friends" season 4 DVD.
As a nation typified by disinterest in long-running stories comes to terms with national tragedy and scandal, the memory of tabloid-driven stories about the highly regarded Hollywood couple became distant. In a rare moment in American culture, people weren't interested in the lives of people that are more wealthy, beautiful, and better than they are.
Many wonder how Aniston will survive without her shared income with Pitt. A costar of the shockingly popular sitcom "Friends", Aniston made several million dollars per episode as the show became both predictable and popular. Though she is currently a millionaire a few times over, some speculate what impact the divorce will have on her stinking rich lifestyle.
"Truly this monumental breakup will be remembered until a better story comes out. That's for sure," said one Celebrity pseudo-journalist after hearing the news.