The Quadrangle

Issue date: 3/30/05 Section: The Triangle

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Kyrgystan´s lush mountainside makes it impossible to find on a map

KYRGYZSTAN GOVERNMENT CRUMBLES, BUSH ADVISORS SAY, "WHERE NOW?"

Late last week, a popular uprising in the Central Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan ended with the removal of the nation's political leaders. While shockwaves from the event were felt throughout other former Soviet satellite states, White House officials responded with confusion on the actual existence of the nation.

"Kyrga-what?" said one anonymous White House staff member while sprinting down Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington DC, in search of a world map. "I spent five years at Georgetown, and I sure as hell don't remember hearing about this country."

Deeply troubled by the popular uprising, Bush stated in a press release that "we as Americans will watch the events of Kyrgyzstan unfold, especially if we can find oil in that kooky sounding country."

One of three former Soviet-controlled nations experiencing revolution within the past year, many surrounding nations are now questioning both their governmental integrity, and ability to be spotted on a map.

"If things fall apart here, I want to make sure they can at least find us." said one Uzbekistani official, "How unfortunate for them, they make the nightly news, somewhere in between the Terri Schiavo updates and recaps from American Idol, and people can't even pronounce the name of their country, or figure out where they are."


TAIWAN PROTESTS CHINESE ANTI-SEDITION LAW, UN SIGHS

After a long history of whining, name calling, and cross-channel mooning, the heavily disputed Chinese territory of Taiwan is set to piss off its supposed controlling fatherland by protesting a new round of Anti-Sedition laws working through the Chinese government.

One Taiwanese Government Official states, "We're all grown up now, and China is soo not the boss of us anymore. It's always in our business; we can't bring friends back to our house, and we can't have any fun without the stupid fatherland getting in our business. Come on, we're 56 years old already."

After a week of similar comments aimed at the mainland China, officials from Shanghai retorted with the usual, "You live in our house, you live by our rules." The Soviet Government also said in a press conference that, "As long as that little bratty island lives with us, it abides by the rules of the house: no civil rights, no fair trials, and don't even think about abandoning the proletariat by socializing with the Capitalist elite."

While the United Nations has a history of intervening between Taiwan and China, rumors suspect that the peacekeeping organization plans to stay out of the current affairs of the region, stating how tired the organization is of "Taiwan's growing pains."

One UN Official said, "I mean, come on. I moved out of my parents' house when I was at the prime of my life. At 35 years old, you realize that it's time to go. Taiwan has to get a steady job, make some friends across the Pacific, and get its act together. Until then, we can't help them."

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